Dealing With Grief During the Holidays? How To Cope With This

During the holidays, we put a lot of effort into feeling and spreading love. Giving gifts, attending dinners, singing carols—it’s a social time sprinkled with intimate moments between loved ones. Feeling the stark absence of certain people, however, can turn what’s normally a delightful time into a dark one.

Every holiday, the same thoughts and memories come. Eventually, you think, “Why can't I move past this? Can’t I just enjoy this time of year?”

Instead of blaming yourself for needing to process relevant emotions, try these coping skills to help center the holidays around the good times, not grief.

1. Plan for Their Absence

Find someone or some way to fill the roles they used to play. Do it in a way that makes you feel full instead of poked by the past. If Mom used to pass out gifts, organize a Secret Santa this year. If Uncle Joe used to shovel the driveway, ask a cousin or neighbor to help salt early. This helps minimize out-of-the-blue moments of grief and maximize the flow of organized events that come with their own stressors.

2. Discover Ways to Honor Their Memory

Many cultures use candles to represent past loved ones. Consider lighting one as a family before dinner and leaving pictures and things they enjoyed around it as a tribute. 

You could also create an online tribute for others to post their favorite memories, old photos, and best wishes for anyone else grieving. If you have thoughts you want to get out privately, consider writing a letter. You can choose to share it with others, keep it to yourself, or let it go.

Avoiding the topic altogether can invite on more tension and anxiety. Instead, choose empowerment by getting ahead of grief. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, and planning specific times to let it out can provide its own sense of relief.

3. Come Up with New Traditions

Many people experience feelings of guilt after catching themselves having a fun time or momentarily not thinking of their loved ones. These feelings are normal, so you’re not alone, but they’re unfair feelings to put on yourself. Enjoying the time you have left can't bring them back, but it can help you feel more alive again. Remember, your loved ones would want you to move on and have a good life.

Incorporating new traditions is a great way to give everyone something to look forward to. Plus, it gives us the chance to slowly remember how to have a good time instead of just “deciding” to when bogged down with grief. 

Traditions can be related or unrelated to who you’ve lost. Maybe you plan to watch their favorite movie every year to feel more connected to them, or maybe you put together a holiday cookie decorating contest in honor of them.

4. Give Back

That warm fuzzy feeling you get from watching a child excitedly open a gift can actually do wonders for your mental health. Feeling like we’re needed and a part of something bigger can release serotonin (a mood regulator), dopamine (the pleasure hormone), and oxytocin (the human connection hormone).

Research on the power of generosity proves it—we experience lower blood pressure, a longer lifespan, reduced stress, and fewer depression symptoms. If you have ever thought about volunteering at a community meal, helping organize a winter clothes drive, or sponsoring a family’s holiday gifts, give it a go this year.

5. Respect Where You’re At with Grief

As for events, attend what you want, skip what you don’t. Let yourself leave early. Being gentle with yourself is more important.

And don't forget to ask for help. Most of us recognize that grieving is one of the hardest things anyone will have to go through, so take help when it’s offered. Working with a therapist, for example, is a great way to navigate through difficult emotions like grief so you can reclaim your life in a meaningful way. Reach out to us to learn more about spirituality counseling.