Working On Yourself So You Are A Better Partner
The longest relationship you’ll ever have in life is with yourself. Make it a good one! After all, research shows it makes you a better partner.
Whether you shirk off self-care or kick emotions under the bed, it’s never too late (or too soon) to work on yourself so you can become a better partner. Remember, there’s no such thing as perfect, and it’s never the goal of self-improvement. Growth is linear, meaning some days you’ll feel big leaps, and others you feel stagnant or backward.
Overall, you must treat yourself as a responsibility, not a luxury. Putting yourself first is not “selfish,” despite what you may have been raised to believe. It shows maturity and accountability, and let’s be honest—it’s attractive. Even if you have been in a relationship for years, it's never too late to work on yourself to improve your relationship.
What does it mean to have a “relationship” with yourself?
We all have voices that help dictate our thoughts, opinions, and actions. These voices often combine our true selves, the people who raised us, our communities, and our cultural times.
Your relationship with yourself is defined by how you treat yourself, how you feel about yourself, and whether or not you honor your wishes and needs. Do you encourage yourself more than you criticize? Are you delighted by alone time or disgusted with it?
The more negative feelings and behaviors you associate with yourself, the lower your self-esteem. Low self-esteem can cause you to self-isolate or overlook important boundaries that protect you from toxic partners. It’ll convince you that you aren’t worth putting yourself out there when you do find someone you like.
Self-confidence helps in any relationship you enter, even non-romantic ones.
Stay humble.
While it might feel necessary to flex everything you have to impress a new love, keep it humble. Studies show you’ll come off as a better potential partner. Plus, humility brings out other qualities that help relationships last—accountability, forgiveness, and a willingness to let others shine.
Show yourself more compassion and validation.
Showing compassion to others is an excellent quality in a relationship, but showing compassion toward yourself? It’s the other half of the equation.
Self-compassion looks like being gentle with yourself on hard days, laughing off moments of imperfection, and remembering your strengths even in times of weakness. The more love you show yourself, the more you can give to others.
Compassion starts by validating the times you need more kindness. When you feel unpleasant emotions like anger, shame, or embarrassment, allow yourself to feel them fully without judgment. Ask yourself: What unmet needs might be triggering this? Where can I give myself more attention?
Be choosey with “yes” and generous with “no”
Saying no to things you don’t want to do is a life-changing superpower. Declining certain plans or waiting a minute to check in with yourself before responding is important for building self-trust.
Don’t let yourself down before you even know what you want. In the words of shame researcher Brené Brown, “Widen the space between stimulus and response.” Take a breath, then act.
Practice maintenance behaviors
Relational maintenance is another way of describing the little things couples do to feel close to each other. Research suggests these behaviors are heavy predictors of high levels of love, satisfaction, and commitment in relationships:
Positivity: Choosing joy and prioritizing fun when you’re together.
Openness: Being honest and direct about what you want in the relationship.
Assurance: Reminding your partner of your commitment to them. Confidently talking about your future together.
Social Togetherness: Spending time with each others’ friends and family.
Shared Responsibility and Tasks: Splitting relationship responsibilities fairly—house chores, date planning, group budgeting, etc.
Tracking your growth and celebrating the little wins as they come gets easier with a counselor. Ready to improve the most important relationships in your life—including with yourself? Schedule your first session today for couples therapy or individual therapy.