Attachment Styles and Dating: Making the Connection

When it comes to dating, there are a lot of excuses we can come up with as to why dating is hard or relationships don’t work out. It’s easy to point the finger at the other person or some arbitrary detail. 

One explanation for your dating dynamics goes back to infancy. As soon as you’re born, a major component of your personality, your attachment style, is formed based on how you interact with your caregiver. As you transition into adulthood, this attachment style follows you and influences your relationships.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a model used to explain how bonds, or attachments, are formed within human relationships. It is rooted in the idea that our adult relationships are shaped by the relationship dynamic we had with our caregivers during childhood.

As infants, our survival is the bond we have with our caregivers. It’s their responsibility to read our cues and meet our basic needs. The relationship we have with our caregivers determines the formation of our attachment style.

The four main attachment styles are:

• Fearful-avoidant (or disorganized)

• Anxious

• Avoidant

• Secure

How Attachment Styles Influence Your Dating Life

Fearful-Avoidant

The fearful-avoidant style, also commonly referred to as a disorganized attachment style, is often the product of trauma, abuse, or neglect that occurred during childhood. Most often, a caregiver was the source of the negative experience. While their main responsibility is to protect you, we don’t always live in a perfect world.

Once you reach adulthood, you may find yourself interested in forming relationships, but you’re cautious about doing so. Underneath the exterior, you’re afraid of getting hurt or having a repeat of your childhood dynamic. Building trust is often challenging when navigating a relationship and self-sabotaging behaviors may become a pattern.

Your ideal partner is a person who can provide stability and emotional safety. This person accepts you no matter what.

Anxious

If you grew up in an environment where your caregivers were emotionally unavailable to you, you may be more inclined to develop an anxious style. Children need to be taught how to process and manage their emotions, generally from their caregivers. When that’s not the case, it can become an unstable and confusing atmosphere.

People with anxious styles often have lower self-esteem and tend to be clingy and jealous of their partner. There’s this fear that you’re going to be abandoned. You get stuck on any off gesture, facial expression, or comment.

Your ideal partner is someone who can provide you with consistent reassurance.

Avoidant

Avoidant styles develop when you have caregivers who are cold or emotionless. You’re taught that being emotional is unacceptable and a sign of weakness. Displaying feelings is a bad thing, so being able to discuss them is a definite no. When you’re not able to learn how to manage your emotions, this can have significant impacts on your relationships.

One of the foundational components of any healthy relationship is being able to have open and honest communication. With an avoidant style, you tend to be more closed off and hesitant. You’re more prone to hiding your emotions than sharing them. This presents much like commitment issues.

If you don't have a partner who will be patient and help pull your emotions out, you will likely struggle in the long term.

Secure

A secure style is formed when you receive proper care, love, and a safe environment from your caregivers. You had the support of a caregiver but were able to develop your independence along the way. They assured you that you could count on them in times of need.

As an adult, this style can lead to the healthiest of relationships. You know who you are and you have learned how to be independent. You learned how to be open about your feelings and can communicate effectively.

Secure styles bond the best with other secure styles. But since you’re both the strong one, it’s possible to be the reliable, supportive counterpart to each other's styles.

Are you interested in learning more about your attachment style? Contact us today for a consultation on therapy for young adults, and we'll help you discover more about what style may be influencing your relationships.