Unsure About What You Want In A Relationship? Tips For Every Couple
Questioning your relationship doesn’t always mean you’re ready to give it up. Rather it can be a sign you’re finally considering what it means for the future. Still, that unsettling feeling that “something is missing" can stir up unexplained anxiety.
However, if your relationship doesn’t typically give you anxiety (a red flag), you may start to wonder: How do I know what I really want in a relationship?
Know the Difference Between Infatuation vs. Love
Are you able to distinguish the two?
Infatuation is temporary and characterized by intense longing and fantasy scenarios—also known as “the honeymoon phase.” It can distort our perception of our partners by causing us to see them as without fault, sometimes to a dangerous extent.
Love, on the other hand, includes emotional closeness, trust, and a deep knowledge of the other person. It includes the wholeness of their human, not just the “good parts.”
Don’t fall for the myth that equates the highs of the honeymoon phase with feelings of “true love.” Excitement varies throughout a relationship, but love and commitment feel more peaceful and calm.
Stay Curious About Your Partner
People naturally change over time, so it’s essential to stay curious about your partner. Healthy love hinges on knowing each other deeply and loving each other’s differences as much as the similarities.
Knowing your partner better can help you check the empty boxes you’re looking to fill. Spend a night asking open-ended questions like…
What was your favorite thing about growing up? Least favorite?
What would surprise your high school self about you today?
How does life delight you in the little ways?
What did you used to dislike about yourself that you embrace now?
How have you changed since we started dating? How do you think I’ve changed?
How will you know you’ve lived a good life?
What’s a habit of mine that you’ve picked up?
Remember, the goal is to learn more about them from a place of curiosity, not judgment or influence.
Examine Your Moods
Negative emotions can cloud our judgment, causing us to act rashly in a desperate attempt to escape them and soothe ourselves. If you’ve felt blue, irritated, or lonely for a while, dig into what could be causing it.
Before ending things impulsively, ask yourself:
Is anything outside the relationship impacting your mood?
Are you satisfied at work?
Do you feel like your life is on a path that inspires you?
Are you living out your values?
Do you make steady progress toward your ambitions?
Give your partner a chance to support you by being vulnerable with your frustrations and asking them for support.
Express Your Emotional Needs Clearly and Directly
Schema Therapy tells us we all share five basic needs to have…
Safety in relationships
Space to feel autonomous and be imperfect.
Freedom to express ourselves and our feelings.
Loving discipline to help us acknowledge and respect our limits.
Joy, spontaneity, and play
Show yourself some compassion and ask yourself honestly: Do any of these needs currently feel unmet? When was the last time you felt they were met? How can you ask your partner to help you fulfill them?
Notice any feelings of guilt that arise, as these can close us off from truly connecting with our partners and giving them an honest chance to love and support us. Despite pop culture messages that suggest lovers should “just know” when something’s wrong with us, partners are not mind-readers. Identify your needs, accept your need for help, and practice asking for it.
Still struggling to face the big questions? I offer free 20-minute phone consultations to determine if working with a therapist can help your situation. Reach out to learn more about premarital counselig.