How To Improve Communication In A Relationship
Between talking, texting, calling, body language, love notes, and snowy windshield writing, couples communicate with each other constantly. However, that intense feeling of constantly being with each other often isn’t enough to keep a relationship floating forever.
As the honeymoon phase of agreeability and lovesickness fades, relationships require a solid foundation of communication skills to stand a chance. Luckily, there are some well-researched, tried-and-true strategies you can implement to improve communication in your love life.
Practice Using “I” Statements When it Comes to Feelings
Think about the spats you and your partner get into. Have you ever started a sentence with, “You always…” or “You never…?" Chances are you could benefit from incorporating more “I” statements.
Feeling attacked or blamed by the other party rarely makes someone want to work with them. However, feeling needed to resolve a conflict that affects both of you can be motivating. In order to streamline this mental flip, focus on your feelings and the objective situation at hand when talking about it. Keep your partner out of it at first unless you ask them something specific.
Here are some “you” statements flipped to “I” statements to give you an idea:
“You never pick up your shoes by the door,” to “I feel overwhelmed when I walk in the door, and there are shoes in my path.”
“I swear you never tell me anything,” to “I feel on the outside of your life and want to feel closer.”
“It's like you don’t respect my privacy at all,” to “I felt embarrassed when your mom brought up that thing I shared with you in secrecy.”
Communicating this way helps curb defensiveness. It also focuses on your role in the dynamic while getting them to reflect on theirs. At the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own behaviors and cannot control what other people do. However, the ones who love and care about us the most will show curiosity and respect for our feelings. (Not combat them.)
Recognize “Bids” for Connection
Renowned relationship psychologist John Gottman discovered “bids.” They're one of the key outlying factors separating great relationships from the ones doomed to fail. Whenever you connect with your partner, you’re putting out a bid that they will accept or reject.
For example, you and your partner are sitting on the couch when you notice the first snow of the year coming down outside. “Look, it’s snowing!” you might say. Your partner makes no sound or movement and continues going about their day as if you said nothing. You tap their arm and point at the window excitedly. They looked at you unamused and said, “Yeah, I heard you.”
That’s a rejected bid for attention. You were looking to share your excitement with someone you love, and instead of being met with curiosity or some joyful acknowledgment of what was happening, you were met with apathy. Bids can be as little as this everyday example or as big as needing to break down crying with your partner to vent about a long day.
Feeling rejected by your partner in many little ways daily can strain a relationship and make you question whether or not they even want to be in it. However, when your bids are heard and honored, the relationship flourishes.
Looking for more tips on how you and your partner can feel less like it’s you vs. them and more like it’s you two vs. the problem? Consider reaching out to work with us in couples therapy.